In the past few days stillness has truly been lacking in my life. From the moment that this crisis began, I've been in action mode. Trying everything in my power to keep this from happening and then doing everything in my power to work through the grief, make peace with an uncertain future.
But that's the tricky part, I don't believe we can always "make" a thing like peace. I think it comes to us in times of stillness, in times of calm, and maybe in fact can only be achieved especially between people or in ourselves during times of quietude.
The rest of today's quote goes like this,
Look at a tree,
Look at how still they are,
How deeply rooted,
Today I hope you have the opportunity to sit somewhere in stillness or, without that, to find a way to feel stillness within you when it is not available in your environment. Walk into the woods, close the door to your room, step into the backyard, hand the baby off to someone else, let the dogs out & drink a cup of tea in the kitchen, take a run on your lunch break, do whatever makes you remember the beat of your heart, the stillness of your breath, the knowledge and peace of your own survival, of something greater than yourself, of love & life & joy.
In the next few days I may take some time for stillness myself. During a particularly hard part of my ongoing recovery, someone once told me, "Don't do anything or say anything to yourself if you wouldn't advise someone you love to do those same things." I took her advice then and I'm going to take it again now. If someone I love felt that they had just lost their opportunity to have a child, indeed felt like they had lost a child, I would advise them to take a moment, a day, a week or weekend, take as much time as they need, just to grieve, to be still, to heal. It's an interesting thing about the human body that when we are in a high stress response, those stress hormones shut down our body's natural healing processes. I feel that our brains & our spirits may be the same. And as much as writing calms me, I think it's time to take a few days to grieve the child, the future, the life that we felt was coming and that instead we have lost, to properly heal from this crisis and focus on caring for my body, mind, and spirit.
I hope that you will continue to come back to the site over the days I take for myself, read some of my earlier writings, check out a few of the changes we've made to Our Surrogacy Story Page and continue to share on social media and with friends. Help me keep growing this site that has become my passion while I take a moment to grow and heal my spirit & be there for Nick in this painful time.
I'll be back before you know it. As Mary Pickford reminds us, "This thing we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down." We haven't failed in our dream to become parents. We will take the down time we need and come back more able to clearly see that vision and what it holds for us. I will not let the stress of this crisis set me back in my healing process, I will take care to stand the ground I've gained in my recovery. And then I will get back up. Don't worry, I won't be down for long.
Lots of Love,