Nick & I will mourn again. We have mourned my leg, my livelihood, my ability to carry a child, my health, our home; what more can one couple loose in such a short time? How many times must we walk through the steps of grief?
I think the answer is infinite, not in a sad way but in the most beautiful way. As long as we choose life, we choose the risk of pain, grief, mourning, struggle, pain. That's the deal we make with life in order to be open to those joys, those moments of happiness, youth, freedom, fulfillment, love.
I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry that we made ourselves vulnerable to this pain. It takes great strength to put yourself out there again and again, it takes emotional fortitude, it takes faith in humanity, faith in a higher power, in God, in love, in life itself. We have those things. I have that faith and that resiliency. I've proven it again and again. The only question is when will I get to stop proving it? How much loss is one person meant for in this life?
I'm going to find out because I'm going to keep fighting. Nick and I will become parents, we will continue to make our beautiful and loving home. We will continue to work with relatives, agencies, and put the word out there that our family is not yet complete. We will rise through the muck and rotten pain of this loss and we will be resilient.
Tonight my heart is filled with anger, with numbness, with needles of pain and loss. Please send your love and prayers to me and especially to Nick and to my family. They were as excited about this baby as we were. I'll never forget the giant speakerphone call with my dad's whole side of the family laughing about names, praising the strength and love of our surrogate, offering to buy us cribs and bouncy chairs and onesies and everything that goes along with this shared family joy of a child.
Children are as much our family's as our own. Nothing is achieved alone. I still believe that. I wish that I could do this alone and then I check myself. Not only is it impossibly dangerous, it isn't want I want for my life. The part about this surrogacy that I was most excited about was getting to become closer to our family member and her spouse and daughter, getting to share in this joy together, having the joy of the birth of our child be multiplied by four loving people in the room to greet her. I still think that might be meant to be. Down the road. With someone a bit more stable, a bit more mature. Anything is possible.
Anything is possible.
Lots of Love,