That's the double edged sword of reaching out and seeking/accepting help. It becomes necessary and feels good to have things like a clean home, a ride to an appointment, a meal, but there is the element there of sadness because they are a reminder of my own incapacity. I know some people would say they took for granted their ability to do the laundry, clean the floors, etc. but I can truly say I didn't. I loved caring for my home. It was an extension of the care and love I felt and feel for my family and everyone who came through our home. I took so much pride in that and now that it is out of reach that is a struggle mentally.
The important thing is to recognize it, smile to it, bow to the feeling for a moment, and then go back to your joy activities. When once I huddled in the bedroom, a prisoner in my home, now I fling open the door, listen to the swoosh of the wind in the leaves of the spring trees. Invite the dogs to snuggle at my side. And I write. And I write. And I smile. I am unbelievably blessed and there is so much peace in this day. I hear that cars on the puddled road outside and wonder at their progress. Where they're headed. I don't envy one of them. I don't envy anyone in my life anymore. That is a huge thing. When you find yourself in the midst of great tragedy, of severe loss, it becomes impossible not to take some moments of envy, of “why them, why me?” but that is one of the worst feelings I've felt in this process. It feels so much better, it is so much better, to fill your heart with joy at your own life and love and encouragement for the lives of others.
They say, comparison is the thief of joy and I know that is true but I think it's not comparing ourselves to others which destroys joy, but comparing ourselves to what we once were, what we thought we could be by now, what we want to be instead. Accepting and loving ourselves right now, right here, this way, is possibly the toughest task we face as human beings. There are of course times when we say, “This is it, I've done it! I'm here!” and those are beautiful times but just as beautiful are the times when we must say to ourselves, “This is where I am. I will find peace in this moment and survive.”
Lots of Love,