Yesterday Nick & I were listing all of the blessings and amazing good things in our lives and the list was long, long, long. We found each other young and have had the beauty & nourishment of love for the past 13 years, through times when our friends and loved ones were searching for that very thing. We have had the joy of seeing them find love & getting to revel in their joy, stand up with them at their weddings. We've had the joy of buying our first home and of filling it with rescued pets, even partnering with a local dog fostering agency to save pets who were slated to be euthanized. We've had the joy of handing them off to their new homes and seeing the love that a new puppy or even older, weirder, funnier dog can bring to a couple or family. We've had the joy of visiting our friends & family as they grew their little families from two to three, three to four, and all the way up to five!
We have had so many incredible blessings in our lives and worked crazy hard to make them happen. We are grateful and believe me, we are happy to be here. But the truth is that when you feel that your family is incomplete there is no amount of goodness in life that can make you feel comforted, no joy or blessing or good news that can make you feel whole, that can allow you to forget the empty feeling of being parents without a child. I believe this is true when we are looking for our partners, our spouses in life. There is no amount of love or beautiful homes or amazing trips or great work accomplishments that can make up for the fact that we feel like half of a heart, that we feel like a key without a lock.
That's because there's nothing in life like our family. There's nothing in life like coming home to the person you love. There's nothing in life like that first kiss when you know it's with the one. There's nothing in life like feeling the subtle weight of an infant in your arms, nothing in life like feeling those first kicks or seeing those tiny feet. Nothing in life like coming home to your family.
And why is that? It seems cruel to make this thing something that completes us, makes us whole, but isn't attainable through hard work, through sacrifice or vulnerability, through trying or following the rules or throwing caution to the wind or reaching out or reaching in to our own hearts. This thing called family is out of our control so often and yet it is everything in life to so many of us. How do we content ourselves with the present when the present is devoid of our children or of our partner?
That is our challenge right now and I think the only answer is hope. We can work, we can pray, we can believe, we can reach, we can make everything perfect but the thing that will sustain us through these present times of emptiness is hope. Nick & I have hope. Our hope is so great that it feels like it might crush me sometimes. We are people who love hard. We don't do things halfway. So it is a struggle to let go of our control and put our hope for a family in the hands of someone else. This is the ultimate vulnerability. It is our only choice. We continue to pursue adoption as well (we want our child to have a sibling) and even that route is riddled with empty places where we must put our hope, our hearts, open up our very souls to pave the road and it feels excruciating.
Hope with us. And today my hope for you is just that. I hope that you have hope & happiness in your today while you work for what you want your tomorrows to bring. I hope we all feel contented today and we all feel hopeful for tomorrow. So often the work isn't done outside of ourselves but inside, the work is internal, emotional, mental toughness which is the hardest work to do and maybe the most important.
Good luck today in the work you must do and good luck tomorrow in the joy that is waiting. No matter what it looks like, I believe there is joy waiting for all of us. Turn on the light so you can see it. Send your solar energy to our light & give us the power and strength to keep working to complete our family tomorrow.
Especially throughout my illness and recovery, our dogs have brought me so much joy and hope. If you're struggling with chronic illness, depression, anxiety, or pain, pets are amazing therapy and they continue to be awesome adventure partners in every stage of your life. I hope you can connect with a shelter in your area and let that pet therapy begin!
Lots of Love,