When we had met with Dr. Amato, our main specialist, she seemed really positive that we would be able to have plenty of eggs and that many of them would be healthy and able to go on to become kiddos. But when we met with Elena, the geneticist, she told us that in fact, it is literally 50/50, flip of a coin chance of me passing on my blood clotting disorder to our children. Uh! I felt like she had punched me in the stomach. The wind went right out of me and I could feel Nick's chair scooting closer to me.
We had originally been told by my hematologist (blood doctor) that the chances were less than 25%. That was the only reason Nick & I had ever tried to have a baby naturally, we felt that with lower odds of passing this on, that we would leave it up to God and fate and if our child happened to inherit the we would find the best technology available and help him or her lead a happy, healthy life because it was meant to be. Not anymore.
I'm not flipping a coin on the health of my child. There is a chance that none of the eggs I donate will be viable simply through natural means (when couples are trying naturally, not every cycle each month results in a baby just because not every egg is meant to become a baby). So we have those same results except that of the eggs that are viable, at least half will be carrying a deadly genetic disorder.
I don't want to borrow trouble. There's also a good chance that because I'm young & healthy reproductive wise, we could have more than enough viable embroys and have the opportunity to freeze & save some for another round when we're ready to grow our family even more. Dr. Amato thinks that's how it will go. Our geneticist doesn't.
I believe that the thoughts we think can literally alter our lives. Thoughts become words, words become deeds, and deeds become our lives. I will choose to keep talking positively. I will continue to build our home & get the nursery ready. We will continue on with our plans to be parents within the year. My good friend Caitie just found out she's having a girl & I know that our girls will play together. I know this because I know the power of positive thinking. I believe in miracles.
Believe with us.
5 weeks ago I never would have believed we would be this far into the process of making our family whole. 5 months ago I never would have guessed that we had so much love and support around us & so much good fortune that our family plans weren't derailed but simply detoured to a better, healthier way of bringing our kiddos into our lives.
I'm struggling today. Our surrogate is struggling today. Nick is struggling today. These days will wash over us like rain and the sun will dry them in time. Please send your support. Be our sunshine in the rain. We need to see the light in the distance. This might become a much harder process than we expected. Be with us. See our baby coming into this world. See it with us and it will be so.
I can feel the touch of her tiny hands, I can smell her baby scent, I can feel the strength she has already. Right now, she lives in my body and in Nick's body. Help us bring her out into our beautiful life. We've made a good home. We've made a place of love all ready for her. I'm trying not to let my heart break again on this roller coaster.
Blueprints for the future are a fools errand, I know. But I must draw them, I must move forward in hope. This is one of the hardest climbs of my life. Learning to walk again was my Everest, this is a whole other mountain entirely. I'm ready to take some rest & watch the sunrise. Reach your hands out to me, help pull me up. Nothing in life is achieved alone.
And today I send my love to you whatever mountain you're climbing. You will see the sun. Take a breath & find a foothold. The summit is possible. Our dreams are possible together.
Lots of Love,