Life is funny that way, when you need it the most, the ones you've loved day in and day out, the ones you've cared for, begin to care for you. They keep you safe & wait with you for the miracle to happen. And maybe it already has. We are alive, we have love in our lives, we are free to do the things we love like write and practice yoga, meditate, show love to the people who mean everything to us. Maybe that is the miracle. I might be done waiting for a little while.
Last night, I found Nick's hand in mine under the covers and I began to cry. "I don't think I can keep trying for a baby," I told him. "I know I can't," he said. So now it's time for us to stop trying. It's time for us to let go, not to leave, but to let the reins free into the wind, into the hands of someone who is strong enough for this. I hope that you, our family, our friends, our readers and loved ones, our perfect strangers, will see those reins in the wind and say a prayer that they find the right hands, or grip them for a moment, carry this weight through a supportive text or phone call or Facebook message, or a lunch or a snuggle, or a movie, or hug or any of those things that can restore us as humans when we have so little left to give.
So many of you already have reached out. Your kindness even in a single word or emoji or anything at all means everything. The little things we do for people in life are the biggest things we do in our lives as a whole. Our moments become memories and our memories become the sum of our lives. I have so many good memories to draw upon today and I have good tea and good books and good friends, and good family and a good life. Still, I feel emptier than I ever have but it makes me wonder whether that emptiness is to make room for the miracle.
My Aunt Lorena came to take me out to lunch today, and brought tissues, she's amazing, but she shared something with me. There are people in this world who are "Truth" people and people in this world who are "Grace" people. The Truth people often say things too bluntly, the Grace people often decline to say anything, thinking it's not their place or swallowing their emotions. What our challenge is in life is to have truth and grace. To tell the truth, not let ourselves lie by omission, but to be kind in telling it. I think yesterday I was too far on the Truth side of things. I told a lot of absolute truths, not my truth but simply the facts of a horrible situation, and that really caused some hurt to people we love. It's 100% true, The Truth Hurts. Especially when we've done wrong. It hurts to hear a truthful account of how we've done something that wasn't okay. I don't regret sharing the truth, it needed to be said, but I do regret how I said it.
In fact, that's just what I was upset with our family member for, not for what she did but for how she did it. And I did just the same even if it was on a smaller scale. I should have chosen kinder, more graceful terms when I told the story. We have to deal in truth, to live in truth, because lies will surely tear apart relationships, but we can tell those truths kindly, with grace in our hearts, and I was at a stage in my grief when I was filled with anger. That was, and is, natural. Now is a time for us all to move forward in love, and most importantly truth and grace. There is no place for blame in healthy relationships.
I hope that today no matter what struggle you're going through, you're able to take a moment and think about the balance of truth and grace. Don't hide your feelings from the ones you love, that will only lead to terrible hurt down the line; and try to have love & grace in your heart and on your tongue when you must speak the truth, because it really does hurt sometimes.
I hope mostly that you feel free today and that no matter where you are in life, you don't take off before the miracle arrives. Maybe that emptiness you're feeling inside is just making space for the miracle. As my friend Kristal told me, Keep the faith. Keep the faith, the miracle is coming for all of us.
Lots of Love,