Sometimes in chronic illness it feels impossible to find anything good to think about in the day, the week, the month. And I'm not one of those people who will say, Isn't it great that this horrible thing happened to you because now you can appreciate the little things. Ha! Horrible things are horrible. They're not great.
And I don't know about you but I appreciated the little things and the big things in my life way before this. I'm not like Mr. Scrooge being visited by the ghosts of Christmas past to learn about how to be a better person. I wasn't a Scrooge in the first place. That thought honestly makes me laugh, I kind of enjoy it because of the juxtaposition but it's not worthwhile.
When we try to pretend that the bad things in our lives are actually positives, that thought process robs us of something very important; the ability to learn from our experiences.
We don't need to try to pretend that the bad things that happen to us or around us are gooto have good things in our life. We can call the bad what they are, name them so we can deal with them, and go on being thankful for and giving primary focus to the good.
It's crazy when you actually begin this exercise of naming the good things in your life. The first thing that jumped out at me was that I wanted to name the things that other people would think we're good or that other people had told me I was lucky for. For example, having our surrogacy fall through, finding out the builders of our new home were swindlers, choosing not to have my leg amputated or my colon removed.
I see the point in each of these things. Turning to the surrogacy, if things were rocky at the very beginning, people might think it was better that we didn't go through nine months of tough stuff with a surrogacy.
Those people probably haven't had the experience of trying to start a family for almost half a decade with no luck. I would gladly fight through a tough nine months to be a mother, to see Nick blossom as a dad (which he deserves like crazy), to help complete our family. And nothing heals family wounds like a baby. They bring us together & remind us why we began this in the first place and would have allowed our surrogate to have the positive feeling of fulfilling her promise & receiving all the joys she had anticipated when she offered. Now our relationship is unfortunately quite strained. So I didn't put that on the list of good things. I did put these:
-I am still young and reproductively healthy and I am loving and caring and will make a great mom.
-There are dozens or hundreds of caring women in the world who want genuinely to help other women and I will find them and our family will grow and my connection to the tribe of women in the world will be forever strengthened.
-We have Britta and Coleman, our silly, funny, snuggly dogs and they already brighten our lives so much. Dogs are incredibly healing and they are our babies at the moment which is fun, happy, and awesome.
-Britta and Coleman will be perfect companions to our kid or kids and watching our little ones romp and play & snuggle & explore nature with the two furry friends who used to be our "babies" will be unbelievably fulfilling and I will take around a million pictures of those experiences and hang them all over our home. Boom!
On to the next one. I'm not quite ready to put loosing the dream of building our affordable, perfect home into the column of good things. Every day my body and my mind are battling this out of date, out of touch, 1940s home and it is extremely physically painful. I am unable to do a lot of daily chores that I once enjoyed because the house is not built up to American Disability Act standards and more than that, it is lacking even just basic modern amenities. Nick has IBS, I have IBD, and we together have ONE bathroom...just let that sink in for a moment. Hhhhmmmm. So this past year has been hell. Oh, and did I mention that our only bathroom shared two main walls with our bedroom and the kitchen. Super fun.
So it's okay to call this what it is. A bad thing. We were lied to and strung along for almost four months by a creepy builder, his borderline crook of a realtor, and now we are fighting to have our precious savings returned to us because they clearly never intended to make good on this deal. That's awful. It's okay for that to be awful because I've learned so much from this process. If I put a happy face on this plain bad thing, I would be robbing myself of the chance to learn from it. I'm glad to call it what it is, live in truth, and choose to grow.
-I've learned to trust my gut and hold my own even when I'm surrounded by professionals who want me to sign off on something that makes me uncomfortable.
-I've proven to my spouse that and I have a lot to bring to the table in negotiations because I grew up with three generations of successful small business owners.
-I've learned that those generations have my back and that I can go to them for advice & support. That's a huge positive to have in my corner!
-I've learned that I might want to explore other places to live & that it is possible to find a home that brings me back to my roots in this process.
All awesome lessons that I will use to create a bright future for myself and I feel free being truthful out this process which is another great bonus.
I won't go over being able to keep my leg because those of you who have read from the beginning know my thoughts on this. If I would have known the pain I was signing up for, I would have chosen amputation. But guess what? We don't get to see the future because that would be a crazy life! Here are the actual positives with my health.
-I do have my leg so that when, not if but when, medical research creates artificial valves safe & suitable enough for use in the femoral vein, I will have my leg function restored to me.
-I have my toes nails to paint colors that make me happy and I get to play the silly nail painting game with my friend's kids where they use rocks and feathers to "paint" our nails. It's better than a salon pedicure, it cracks me up, and I love it.
-I am stumped for more at this moment but those two make me happier than I can say.
The rest of the positives in my life can get all the way up to the mid 20s when I list them. I have begun to visualize the life I desire and I feel so hopeful and free in doing this. I know that my mind is strong and I can manifest goodness. It might sound crazy but it's true. Our minds are stronger than any tragedy.
Remember this. Thoughts become things. Thoughts become actions and actions become our lives. I've said it from the beginning and I'm saying it again. When we talk about ourselves negatively, our actions are negative, they are worst case scenarios, and they become our lives and rule our lives.
When we frame our thoughts into beauty, strength, and power for our lives, those thoughts become actions and those actions become our moments, our minutes, the hours and days and years of our entire lives.
So don't be your own spin team, trying to cover the bad things that happen in pretty frosting and sprinkles & push those down your own throat. Be honest with yourself about them, learn from them. And then let them go. Continue on your good & true & joyful path of survival and peace.
Today I hope you take a peaceful moment to list, truly write down, the amazing things you love about your life and then to visualize those things growing & blossoming to become greater and greater pieces of the framework of your lifetime.
I hope you take a second to breathe deeply and visualize the life you want and open your eyes up knowing that life is completely possible for you.
Namaste means The goodness and light in me sees and recognizes the goodness and light in you. Today I want to say that to you. To your soul. Namaste. I see the goodness and light in you. I know you can see it and feel it in me. Let us rise & live in the beauty of our hopes together today. Let us make them our true lives. Namaste.
Lots of Love,
The rest of the mix here is so beautiful too, I hope you take a moment to sway with the music and feel peace.