Today I had yet another reminder of how fortunate I am to have caregivers who love me at my bedside and on my side in everything in life. I've been going to some hospital procedures, infusions, etc on my own when a driver isn't technically necessary but today that plan really, really didn't work out. I came to an infusion where my IV couldn't be placed, the IV therapy team had to be called, after multiple tries we finally had a line, and then the inflixamab gave me a horrible and unexpected reaction. I felt the whole room spinning and knew that I was about to vomit.
Unfortunately our hospital does not provide fully private rooms and so I had to go through this humiliating wrenching experience in the midst of three other strangers, all hearing me gag and vomit as the medicine spun me around and around.
I began to cry and an angel/nurse came to hold my hand and rub my back as the team contacted my doctor and tried to get orders for anti-nausea medicine and I tried to see straight to text Nick and beg him to come down so that I could have a driver & take the medicine.
But it wasn't just about that, there is something indescribable about the feel of the person you love next to you. I used to beg Nick to stay away because I couldn't bear for him to see me getting sick, having humiliating procedures, and just generally not being the strong, self-confident, healthy & happy woman that I wanted him to see me as. In the end, I've realized that I can be sick, I can be struggling, I can be imperfect, and still be that strong woman, still be a brightness in his life, and as he arrived today and our hands grasped each other, I saw the flash of pain in his eyes but also a flash of that old, simple joy to see the one he loves.
So today no matter now difficult, how humiliating, how heavy the things you're going through might feel, I hope you have the strength and courage to reach your hand out. See yourself as strong. See yourself as bright and loving and loved and worthy and believe it. And then lean over to the person next to you and remind them of just how strong they are, just how much they are appreciated, and just how much it means to you.
A huge thank you to all the hospital staff that have flown down from heaven to be by our bedsides and to all the loved ones who flyaway from their jobs, their commitments, their plans, to be right here with those of us struggling. Your efforts never go unnoticed. Love and Peace to all today in the hospital beds and all those at the bedsides. May we all feel love today and the days to come.
Lots of Love,